So I'm not really sure I should even be posting this, but thought it might do me good to just say it all and maybe then realize how irrational my thinking is when I reread this post later. Worry is something that has consumed me since becoming a mother. It's such a drastic change from the way I was as a pregnant woman. I think while pregnant, I found myself at my most confident stage in life and trusted that my body was taking care of my precious baby girl and she was well protected. Now that she's no longer inside of me safe and sound, I worry all the time. Is Ella too hot or too cold? Is she still breathing (this one consumes me)? Is she eating enough or eating too much? Am I going to produce enough milk for her? Is she happy? Am I boring her? Is she sleeping too much or too little? What about SIDS? Are we shaking her too hard when we rock her to sleep? Am I going to be a good mother? Will I know what to do for her when she's fussy or sick or in need? Is this bed too soft? Is she going to roll over and stop breathing? Are the people holding her doing it the right way? And so many more...The worry just sometimes doesn't stop and I feel like I'm going to go crazy with anxiety over her well being. It's hard for me to not have her in my arms (or super close by) 24/7 because of my worry and the fear I feel.
I know that most of these worries are completely irrational, yet I still find myself worrying about them on a daily, if not hourly basis. I'm hoping that most of this is just new mom jitters and/or hormones and will subside with time, but maybe I'm just crazy or still stuck in the "baby blues" stage. I never thought of myself as an excessive worrier/control freak until I entered into motherhood. I notice small improvements in my worry, anxiety, & fear each day, so hopefully those little gains will continue. I'm sure all the worry will never go away because I am a MOM now, and worry and concern is part of our new job, but hopefully it will not consume me so much in the near future. I want to be able to cherish each moment with Ella, but can't help but look forward to the day when I feel a little more "normal" and when I feel like I know more about what I'm doing as a mom and more of these irrational fears start to subside.
I read a week or so ago and wanted to let you know that I completely feel for you and have been there! Remember two things: 1. This is is probably the steepest learning curve you will face (raising kids), but it DOES get easier! and 2. The Lord in His infinite wisdom gave this precious little girl to you and Mark...He trusts you guys with her, so try to trust yourself a little! :)!
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